Chapter Thirteen: It Started to Click Together:

It took me a while to see it for myself. When I did, I wondered why it took me so long. Was this what finding clarity was like? What the hell am I talking about? Let me back up a bit.

This wasn’t an easy clarity to come to. It was during dinner when it happened. I was about to take another bite of Yumi’s stew when I paused. I couldn’t explained what all happened but something clicked in my brain. I lowered my chopsticks.

“Is something wrong?” Yumi asked. I slowly shook my head.

“I just realized something,” I said.

“What?” she asked. At first, I couldn’t put it into words. I had them, but I couldn’t get them out or put them into together.

“Toshiki?” Yumi asked.

“I think I love you,” I said. She perked up with big eyes.

“Toshiki!” she said as her cheeks turned red. That wasn’t the only thing that I came to clarify. I loved all versions of her. How could I have forgotten her? She had been trying to reach me all of this time. It didn’t hit me until now. I turned my head.

“How long have you been looking for me?” I asked. Yumi didn’t answer at first. She nervously pressed her lips together. Was I going to make the same mistake that I did last time that ended up upsetting her? I quickly held up my hand.

“No, no, no! It’s not like that! I know you are you!” I said frantically. Yumi stared at me. I saw the desperation in her eyes. Did I mess up?

“A long time,” she said at last.

“Huh?” I asked. Yumi had her hand to her chest.

“I… I had wanted to reach out to you for quite some time,” she admitted. I knew it! She came back to me in another form. I knew that it sounded crazy. But it all started to make sense. I took her by the hands.

“I didn’t realize it was you until just now,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say.  I started to see her face in Yumi’s. Not just her. I could also see her.

It was then I remembered her name.

“Kaori,” I said breathlessly. I covered my mouth no sooner had that name left my lips. I was worried that Yumi would get mad at me. She stared at me, blinking.

“Who’s Kaori?” she asked.

“She’s you!” I blurted out. I quickly covered my mouth. Yumi stared at me with narrowed eyes.

“Your  old girlfriend?” she asked. I stared at her dumbfounded.

“How did you even know?” I asked. Yumi sighed and shook her head. Part of me didn’t want to know the answer after all. I cleared my throat. I slowly drew back my hands. I picked up my chopsticks and went back to eating. Clarity could leave to more confusing feelings on what to do next. She stared at me as I wolfed down more food.

“So what is my name?” she asked. I slowed as I looked her in the eye.

“You’re Yumi,” I said. My breath caught in my throat. She didn’t take her eyes off me. Yumi picked up her chopsticks and took a bite of her dinner. I had no idea where this conversation was going anymore. It would have been a better idea to shut up at that point. Even I didn’t know what I was talking about anymore. I would have to work out more things in my head before I could even hope to have this conversation again.

The rest of dinner was quiet.

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I lay on my bed still trying to figure things out. There were still some pieces missing in this puzzle. Three different girls all into one. I didn’t understand how that worked. There had to be some sort of witchcraft at play. Or I was slowly going crazy.

This could be a dying fantasy and I’m back in the war.

I shook my head at the thought. Nah! I would know if I was dead. Wouldn’t I? Where did this train of thought even come from? I needed to think about something else.

I redirected my mind back to the clarity I came across during dinner. I love her. Her. Kaori. Yumi. She really did keep her promise.

I frowned.

But how? How was that even possible? I mean, I knew that she wasn’t human, but still… Okay, I needed to start over with this. I love all three of them. She, Kaori, and Yumi are all the same girl. I kept going back to figure out how that was even possible.

I drew my eyes shut.

I didn’t need to end up confusing myself. I shut my eyes and rubbed my forehead. What was I thinking again? Oh yeah. My clarity. I loved all three of them. Nothing was going to change that. I just remembered the name of my high school girlfriend.

Kaori. Kaori. Kaori. Kaori… Kaori…

I couldn’t remember what her last name was. There were other things about her that seemed hazy to me. I could see her eyes. They were a light caramel brown. Always looked warm and full of life. She had soft cheeks. Her nose looked so small and cute like a bunny rabbit’s. Her lips looked so plump. I think she had a big forehead too. I had most of  her face, but not her body.

I tried to dig for more details in my head. Some of it started to come together. I could remember her words, but not her voice. I’ve tried to focus and see if I could hear her. Her laugh was the first thing that I could hear. I took comfort in remembering how light and soft it sounded. A little bit of hope sparked in my chest. Maybe I could try and remember more. But the more I tried, the more it eluded me. My heart sank when I couldn’t fully hear it. It didn’t seem right. I just got back her name and her face. I didn’t have anything else I could remember about what Kaori looked or sounded like. However, I took comfort in remembering her laugh.

I couldn’t even remember her real name either.

I looked up when I heard a knock on my door.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Can I come in?” Yumi asked on the other side. I sat up on my futon.

“Sure,” I said. Sometimes, I forgot how quietly that door could open at times. Yumi poked her head into the room. My stomach turned when I saw the hurt look on her face.

“What’s the matter?” I asked. She didn’t speak at first. She looked like she was about to cry.

“Do you love me?” she asked.

“Of course I do,” I said. “Why would you think otherwise?” She didn’t answer. Aw, crap. I did it again, didn’t I? I really had to fix this before it got out of hand. I held out my arms to her.

“Come here,” I said. Yumi hesitated at first. She looked down at her hand on her chest. I waited until she walked into my room. She came over to my side and came into my arms. I held her to my chest and hugged her tight.

“I’m so sorry that I upset you,” I whispered. “I… I…” No, there were no excuses or reasons for this. I pressed my lips together.

“No matter who you are, I will love you no matter what,” I said. “I mean that.” I could hear Yumi sobbing at my chest. Meanwhile, I closed my eyes. This would have to do for now. We didn’t need to go through more heartache and misunderstanding again. It would have been better to stop before it got out of hand this time.

“I don’t know why I put my foot in my mouth at times,” I admitted. “I guess I’m an idiot.” She shook her head on my chest.

“No?” I asked. She started saying something against me.

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked.

“You are an idiot,” Yumi said aloud. “But I love you so much.”

“Why? I’m just a useless vet trying to keep it together. I’ve been fucking up all my life. I could’ve been the worst scumbag in the world. Why do you think I could make you happy? Why do you think that I am good for you?” I asked. She looked up at me with a small smile on her face and tears in her eyes.

“Why does any of that matter?” she asked. I opened my mouth, but I didn’t have an answer. She rested her head on my chest again. I didn’t catch what she said next.

“I’m sorry?” I asked. Yumi didn’t answer me. There wasn’t anything else to say at that point. I drew my eyes closed and let my mind wander off back to my clarity. This was the best that I could for now.