Chapter Thirty-Two: It’s Not My Place:

-Paul-

This doesn’t concern me. It’s not my place. Ava was not my daughter. That’s not my baby Nancy’s carrying. It doesn’t concern me. If they wanted to leave, fine. There’s nothing stopping them. Better for me.

I frowned to myself.

Then… Why did the thought of them leaving seem to disappoint me? We haven’t been living in this house for so long. But still…

I leaned back in my gaming chair and sighed. What the hell was going on? This wasn’t like me at all. I only had a small number of attachments in my life, but those weren’t even close. They all left me behind. And I was okay with that.

But something’s changed and I don’t like it.

I’m not a dad. I have never seen myself as one. I never wanted kids in the first place. I never liked them. I never saw myself as a kid person. Jai didn’t think so.

“I think you are a kid person,” she said. “You’re good with my little brother.”

“Well… yeah… He’s your brother,” I said.

“And?” she asked. I didn’t have a response. I didn’t think she got it. I was no father figure. I didn’t even have a good relationship with my dad. (I don’t want to get into that one. The less said about that, the better.) I just thought I was going to live the rest of my life alone.

Now, I just don’t know anymore.

Ava was a sweet kid and she liked me so much. But she’s not my child. I was still on edge when we were alone together. It wasn’t fear, per se. It’s just… Just…

I shut my eyes and shook my head.

I didn’t have the words to describe. I didn’t think I knew how to describe it either. The more I think about it, the more it ended up being more complicated. I’ve tried to give up on it, but what else could I do?

“Mr.?” a tiny voice said. I lifted my head. And speak of the devil. It’s like that child could sense that I was thinking about her. I stared at her little face as she had that little doe-eyed look as she stared back at me.

“Is something wrong?” I asked. Ava didn’t answer me. I held out my hand. She waddled into the room. I gently patted her on the head. Her little eyes didn’t leave me. What was I doing? I never pictured that I wouldn’t be alone in this day and age. And now, here we are. What will happen when they leave? What will happen with Marshmallow?

What’s going to happen to me?

“You know something?” I asked Ava. “I don’t think I want you guys to leave.” I didn’t know why I said. She wasn’t going to report back to her mum, let alone understand a single word I just said. So it should be alright. I sighed.

“I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if you guys left. I hadn’t realized how lonely I had been all of this time. And then you and Mum came along, and that was it. I mean, there’s Marshmallow, but that isn’t exactly the same thing, now is it?” Why stop there? I had my own little walking confessional booth in front of me. I had to keep going.

“Would it be bad if you and your family couldn’t go back? I mean, everything’s been going well here. We might have to move out soon if food runs out, but still…” I didn’t stop myself from talking. I leaned back on the couch.

“I think we could make it work.” I dryly laughed to myself. “Look at me. I have never been a kid person. And here I am, just talking to you. I have never seen myself as a dad. But maybe… Just maybe…” I shook my head. Where was I going with this?

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I guess I’m just worried. God, I haven’t done this in a while.” I looked up at the ceiling. “When I get like this, I don’t stop talking. I just go on and on and on. Sometimes, my mates would have to interrupt me to shut me up. I’m starting to understand why.” My eyes trailed down to that child who was just staring at me.

“You really are a good listener, Ava,” I said.

“You could come with us,” I heard across the room. I lifted my head. Nancy stood in the doorway with her hands to her stomach.

“What?” I asked.