Connection #10

-Karen-

I can’t keep this to myself anymore. It’s starting to suffocate me. I don’t want to die.

Fourteen.

I see it every morning. It burns. I want to scream in pain. Make-up can’t cover it up. I won’t let my clients ever see it.

I sat in therapy. I shifted in my seat on the couch. Fukuda-sensei waits for me to speak. I lifted my chin.

“I don’t want to die,” I said. Fukuda-sensei raised an eyebrow.

“Are you dying?” he asked. I hesitated to answer.

“Yes,” I said. Should I explain? Would he even believe me?

“I don’t know how to explain it,” I said. I started to play with my hands.

“Try me,” he said. I took a breath. It’s his eyes again. They are driving me to talk. Fukuda-sensei never pushes me either. I lowered my hands.

“I think I am cursed,” I said.

“Cursed to die?” he asked. I nodded. I expected him to ask what kind of curse. I hadn’t expected the next question.

“What number?” Fukuda-sensei asked. I lifted my head.

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“Your shoulder,” he said. “What number is burned into it?” I bit my lower lip. His voice had gotten lower as he spoke.

“Why?” I asked. I drew my knees to my chest. He lowered his eyes.

“Twenty-nine,” he said. I froze. No way…

“The Fire Festival? Next year?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. I pressed my lips together.

“Fourteen,” I said. I looked up at him before lowering my eyes.

“What now?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Fukuda-sensei said. I stared at him. I didn’t know how to take that. At least I wouldn’t be alone.

“Hey, sensei,” I said.

“Yes,” Fukuda-sensei said. I sat up straight.

“I am fourteen and you are twenty-nine, right?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said.

“So there are others like us, yes?”

“I believe so.”

I leaned forward. “How many of us are there?”

My therapist took a moment to think. “I don’t know.” I sat there staring at him. I didn’t know how to take this.