Despair

*Karen*

It�s two a.m. I don�t sleep around this time. I sit in my bathroom lost in my thoughts. I wake up crying in the middle of the night. You see, I�ve had nightmares since my teen years. My father is to thank for that. Victims will never forget. Because of him, I�m sick.

The house is quiet tonight. I felt my body tremble. The quiet only makes things worse. I�m left in my thoughts then. Sometimes, I hate my mind. Hate the thoughts that come with it. I feel so guilty. My job makes it worse. All those men. All of their hands on me. I pretend to enjoy it all.

I shook my head violently. I want to cry now. All of those men. They just use me. Use me and forget I ever exist. But, I can�t complain. I use them all the same. I try to feel pretty with them. But instead, I feel worse about myself afterwards. That hole just gets worse and worse. I�m scared of falling in. But, what if I already have and I haven�t realized it either?

I shook my head hard. No! I don�t want to die! I mean, I used to. But now� No! No!

My cheeks feel wet. I reach up and realize I�m crying. I shut my eyes. I�m so fucked up, I thought. I open my eyes and look up at the ceiling. I feel sick about myself again. I bit down on my thumb.

Help me. Help me. Help� me�

I fell on the floor in my tears. Save� me�

My whole body went still.