Grim Desperation Times:
When I was fourteen, things were in a downward low. Mom’s depression was getting worse. She was using more Poseidon and drinking more. She was prone to violent mood swings. I wasn’t doing great either. The remarks and bullying had really gotten to me. Everyone avoided me like a cruse. Mom was hitting me more often. I was so scared to come home if dad wasn’t there. But, I had nowhere else to go. I was suffocating badly.
Then one October, I had an answer. (Wasn’t the best one, but an answer none the less.) I decided to off myself. It’s easy at first. It depends on what direction it takes for success. There are many options. I thought about mine. Hanging? The thought of suffocating scares me. Slashing my wrists? That’s one possibility. Drug overdose? I get sick thinking about mom’s addiction. Gun shot? Perhaps. Drowning? We have a winner folks! I began to plan my suicide carefully. It would have to be done at night. Not much of an audience then. The location was no problem. Willow Groove, our town in Charleston, SC, had a nice-size lake in the backwoods. It wasn’t perfect but it would do for the moment.
I went over my plan carefully. I’d get home after school, act as if everything was normal, wait until nightfall, sneak out to the bridge once my parents were asleep, jump off the bridge and drown to death. It was perfect in the beginning. But like most suicide plans, this one went horribly wrong.
The beginning went as planned. I went to school and came home. I did as I normally did. I worked on my homework, did my chores, and fought off mom. We all had dinner and went to bed. Then, my parents went to sleep. I waited until ten o’clock at night. I crept out of bed, put on my shoes and jacket, and quietly walked out the door.
It was clear that night. But I wasn’t focused. I just wanted to die. I was so eager to do so that I began running. I was running to my death. I finally came to the bridge. I looked down below. The water was black and swirling below. I climbed up on the edge and stood there for a moment. Well, it was now or never. I shut my eyes and jumped in. I began to act on my plan. All was going to plan there.
But then, I was caught. The watch boat was floating by on its nightly watch of the life along the lake. The captain must have seen me, because the next thing I knew, I was being pulled out of the water and dragged on board. And that was it!
At home, there was another crisis. My mother had woken up in the middle of the night, went to the kitchen, pulled out a butcher knife, and stabbed herself in the left hand repeatedly. Blood was all over the table. It was an awful sight.
*Present*
I was cleaning mom’s room when I heard something strange. “Stanly…” my mom mumbled in a weak voice while she was still staring into outer space. I froze in shock and slowly looked up. My mom was still out of it with tears rolling down her cheeks. “Stanly…” she said again softly.
Step Four