Chapter Nineteen: Protect, Serve, and Toughen Up:

Protect and serve. That’s the job of the police force. I have to uphold this oath as a detective. But that isn’t why I took this job. Sure, I want to protect my city. Sure, I want to help people and bring justice to the “bad guy”. But that’s not the reason why I joined the police force.

I was sick of being weak. The torment from Lanie and my graduation gave me the motive. At first, I wanted to join the military. But my psychology exam was a failure. The scars ran that deep. I passed everything else. I breezed through all of the other tests. I even lost weight to meet the requirements. But I didn’t meet the mental requirements.

So, I got therapy.

I decided to join the police academy.

“Why do you want to become a police officer?” my professor asked on the first day. My therapist asked me the same question. I didn’t hesitate either.

“I want to become stronger,” I answered both times.

“What do you mean by that?” they asked. I held my chin up high and didn’t think as I spoke.

“I am tired of being weak,” I said. “Being weak has made me a target. Because of that, I had break downs before graduation. But I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be stronger.” The professor and my therapist stared at me.

“I wish you luck,” Dr. Mackle said.

“Please take your seat,” the professor said. I sat down in class. After I said that, I had to back up my words. There was going to be no one to hold my hand or comfort me. My mother wasn’t even thrilled about me joining the military.

“I don’t want you to get killed,” she said. “Are you sure you don’t want to be a teacher?”

“No,” I said. “I don’t want that.”

“But why do you want to put yourself in so much danger?” mom asked. I sighed and rolled my eyes. I didn’t want to be weak anymore. But I couldn’t tell her that. She wouldn’t understand. I was still her baby after all. That was just it.

I pushed myself to work hard. I spent most of my days outside of class studying. I trained just as hard. All while still going to therapy. My classmates must have found me odd. Did I have time to relax, they wondered. That wasn’t on my mind. My past was my motive for my plan.

“Have you ever tried to let go?” my therapist asked.

“It’s not that easy,” I admitted. I wished that I could get over it. I really did. But my mind doesn’t let go of things too easily. Like when I think about my father after cutting him off ten years ago. Besides, I needed Lanie’s cruelty to push me to get stronger. Her voice pushed me to work out harder. The pushing and slapping made me shoot the targets on point. I spent those years in the academy toughening up. I graduated at the top of my class.

I was able to get a job as a police officer in Raleigh. I rose through the ranks pretty quickly. I established my reputation as a great detective. Still, I had my problems. I was still going to therapy. My anxiety lessened over the years. But old demons don’t really go away, do they?

“Those take time,” Dr. Markle told me.

“I wish they would all go away faster,” I whimpered. “I don’t know how much more I can take.”

“Have you ever thought about quitting or taking time off?” she asked. I quickly shook my head.

“I can’t,” I said. “I love my job.”

“You don’t have anything to prove.”

“I do. I have to prove it to myself.” I closed my fists in my lap as I started to tremble.

“I understand. I just don’t want you to work yourself to death. Allow yourself some time to relax on some days.” Dr. Mackle has more power to calm down than she’s aware of. That weekend, I took time off and ended up doing nothing. It actually felt great. I didn’t have to think about my bullied past or trying to raise above. From there, I started to build bonds around my police station. Not real friends, but just people I could talk to. Things started to get better for me.

But now, here I was going to bury my past once and for all. Once I do this, I won’t have anything to prove anymore. I will still be a detective. I have grown to love my career. The Raleigh police force has become my family now. I won’t leave them. But I don’t know what I will do after that.

To protect and serve. For me, it is to protect, serve, and toughen up.