Karen Blue

-Karen-

Ugly. I can’t wash the filth off. I lay in the hotel bed staring at the curtains. The shower ran in the background. He’ll leave the money and walk out the door. They are all the same. I should be used to this by now.

But I’m not.

I don’t want to die. But it might not be that bad. I wouldn’t have to do this anymore. No more filth. No more guilt. No more feeling sick. It would all end. All of it.

Still, I don’t want to die. Therein lies the problem. The shower cuts off in the background.

I do the same thing every night. I don’t know why I won’t stop. This is all I know how to do. My therapist tells me otherwise. I wish I could believe him.

He’s gone now. He got dressed after his shower. I didn’t turn around as he walked out the room.

“Thank you,” he said. Heh. That’s rare. And he’s gone. I don’t even bother to get up. I will have to leave in the morning. I have to shower and check out. Take the bus home and go back to bed.

How many years have I done this? It doesn’t matter anymore. A tear ran down my cheek.

Tomorrow will be no different. Another man in another room. I won’t remember his name. I won’t remember his face. They all look the same anyway. My therapist says I am better than this. But lately, he’s not the only one to say that.

Dan is a beautiful soul. He doesn’t judge me. He knows what I do for a living. I told him. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe I was trying to chase him off. Maybe I wanted him to get mad at me. He was patient with me. Dan didn’t say anything as I kept talking. I thought he didn’t want anything to do with me. Instead, Dan put his arm around my shoulders. He didn’t say anything.

Honestly, I don’t know what he wants from me. Dan hasn’t tried to sleep with me. He hasn’t even tried any hint of romantic actions toward me. We just talk. Sometimes, we walk around the city. He meets up with me after therapy. (Again, I told him where to meet me. It just came out.) I figured out what is scaring me. Things have been going good. Maybe too good. I keep waiting for things to get fucked up. That’s just how it went in my life.

It will be time for me to get out of bed. I don’t want to. I would have to face reality. I sighed and rolled over onto my back. The ceiling looked like it was going to fall on me. Part of me wished it would. I could only be so lucky. I sighed again.

Enough already.

I climbed out of bed and walked into the bathroom. With a shower, my day would start over again.