Chapter Thirteen: Messed Up in the Head:

Lenard paced around the therapist’s office. The therapist watched him, silently. The transman looked up at him. He took a deep breath.

“I’m so sorry for this,” he said. “Do you mind if I move around for a bit?”

“No,” the therapist said. “Move around if it helps you.” Lenard breathed out again.

“Thanks,” he said. “This will help me calm down.”

“Right,” the therapist said. Lenard continued to pace around the room. The therapist watched him for moment.

“What exactly is the problem?” he finally asked. The American turned his head.

“Well…” he began. He stopped and thought about how to put his words together. Lenard shut his eyes.

“I had my breasts taken out. I showed off my new chest to Taichi,” he said.

“Okay,” the therapist said. “How did he take it?” Lenard pressed his lips together.

“Really good,” he said. “In fact…” His cheeks turned bright red. The therapist raised his eyebrow.

“In fact?” he asked. Lenard’s face turned red as he buried it in his hands.

“Take your time if you need to,” the therapist said. The transman nodded. He took a breath through his hands. The writing on pen to paper didn’t help. Same with the clock in the background. He slumped down into the leather couch. Lenard dropped his hands and sighed.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay,” his therapist said. “What happened next?” The patient looked up at the ceiling.

“He kissed me,” Lenard finally admitted. His face was red again.

“Did you like it?” the therapist asked. Lenard slowly nodded.

“Did it go any further?” the therapist asked. Lenard slowly nodded again. His therapist took more notes.

“What happened next?” he asked. Lenard sat up straight.

“It felt… kind of hot, really,” he said. His face turned bright red as he spoke. Lenard played with his hands and crossed his legs. He gulped and lifted his chin.

“Did you have sex?” the therapist asked.

“No!” Lenard paused and settled down. “I pushed him off and told him to stop.”

“Did he listen?”

“Yes. He respected my decision.”

“But…”

Lenard grabbed the sides of his head. “I don’t know!”

“Do you like him in that way?”

He dropped his hands. “Yes.” Lenard sighed.

“But…”

The therapist gave him a sympathetic smile. “You aren’t sure how he feels about you?”

“Yes.” He leaned back against the couch. “Does he like me for me or because I look more like a man now?” He buried his head in his hands.

“I don’t know anymore!”

“Well, what do you want?” the therapist asked. Lenard looked through the cracks of his fingers.

“Huh?” he asked.

“Do you want a sexual and romantic relationship with him?” the therapist asked. Lenard lowered his hands.

“I don’t know,” he said. His mind traveled to a strange place. He couldn’t focus for the rest of the session. Then came that damned question. The therapist looked him in the eye.

“Have you talked to Tai-san about this situation?” he asked.

“No…” Lenard said. He sat there, blinking.

“I think you should,” the therapist said.

“Yeah…” the patient said, nodding in a daze. “Maybe I should…” More notes went into the notepad.