Therapy

*Karen*

I hate days like this. They make me feel awkward. Still I have to attend therapy. Kind of strange. The one thing that makes me uncomfortable is my only solace. But, what else could I do? Wednesdays are a small price to pay to keep myself alive, so to speak.

Tick-tock. I gritted my teeth. I hate that thing so much. Every week, I want to tear it off the wall. Grrr! So annoying. Now, it’s even worse. The ticking reminds me I will die next year. I swallowed hard. I don’t want to die. I… I think I’m going to be sick.

The door opens at my last thought. I jerked my head upwards. Dr. Komori is in and the session starts.

Tape Recorder On:

“Good evening Tojo-san.”

“Good evening.”

“How are you?”

“A little better.”

“No suicidal thoughts?”

“No.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Hey Karen, can I ask you something?”

“What?”

*Slight pause*

“Does it still hurt?”

“Yes.”

“How bad?”

“It burns.”

“Badly?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

*Pause*

“Tell me something, Karen, why did you become a call girl?”

*Pause*

“Well… To feel pretty.”

“Yes. My father… turned me ugly when he raped me.”

“You’re not an ugly woman.”

“I want to believe that.”

“So, you believe sex will fix you?”

“I used to.”

“But now?”

“I don’t feel anything.”

“How do you cope with sleeping with all of these men?”

“I tricked myself into making it easy. No names, just go out to the love hotel, turn off the lights, take off the clothes, take it on my back, and leave in the night.”

“Just like that?”

“Yes…”

*Pause*

“Not really.”

“Not really?”

“Well, I hate it more and more every day. I feel dirty thinking about it.”

“Why not quit?”

*Pause*

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I guess I haven’t tried.”

“Do you want to quit?”

*Pause*

“Do you want to quit, Karen?”

“I think… I don’t know.”

*Pause*

“I don’t know.”

“It’s okay, take your time with it.”

*Sobbing*

“It’s okay take your time with it.”

*Sobbing*

“It’s okay. We’ll end this session for now, okay?”

*More sobbing*

End of Session

That’s how my sessions end.

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