Chapter Twenty-Two: I Want to Be Alone:

I looked at another tape in my hand. I just played it and it just added to my self-doubt. Why does Hitomi put so much faith in me? I don�t understand it. I�m not that great. I still don�t know what I want to do. My eyes wandered over to the clock on the nightstand. It�s only one o�clock? I frowned to myself. This is getting me nowhere. I need to get out of here.

I walked over to my door and peeked out. I think they�re still downstairs in the living room. Maybe I can go out the back door without being seen. I probably could. I looked backed on my bed at the box of tapes and Hitomi�s journal. Somehow, it would be wise to take them with me. I stuffed them and my walkman in a bag I found under my bed and quietly crept out of my room.

Once down the stairs, I looked around while keeping my lips pressed together. They�re still in the living room as of right now. I looked down at the other end of the hall. Let�s see, the kitchen is that way and back door is right next to it. I have only one shot at this. I drew in a deep breath. Okay, I can do this, I thought. Three� Two� One! I took off dashing down the hall. Don�t look back! Keep moving! Keep moving! I closed my eyes and kept running. Don�t stop! Don�t stop! When I opened my eyes, I saw the back door just in front of me. After unlocking it, I quietly slipped out into the backyard. I smiled when I stepped outside. I did it! However, I began to frown again. Now what?

I looked up at the heavily-clouded sky. I got outside and now I�m alone. Yet, I didn�t think about what comes after that. It�s just like how my life has been going lately. I don�t even know if the Todai angle will go bust or not. I have the grades to in. I probably could pass the entrance exam. I frowned to myself. However, I�m not sure if that�s what I want to do anymore. I looked back at the house. Yep, they�re still inside. I don�t even belong here.

What the hell am I doing? I put my hands over my head. I need� I need� I looked back at the house again. I need to get away for a little bit, I thought. My attention turned back to the yard around me. Damn, I didn�t realize that this place was so big. My eyes scanned for a gate or a way out. Come on� Take your time and look around, I thought. I held the bag close to my side as I looked left and right of me. Out of the corner, I spotted the answer I needed. I turned to my right and saw the gate. Ha! That�s really clever way to put the exit, guys, I thought. Really good. With one more look at the house, I made my way over to the gate and just slipped out.

I never really noticed this neighborhood before. I was sound asleep when I first came here. Most of my time in the past couple of weeks as spent studying and listening to learn more about Hitomi�s death. This neighborhood looked so nice and modern. I felt like I had stepped back in time in the West. Now, where can I go? I didn�t have much money on me. Crap, I didn�t even bring my wallet with me. I puffed up my cheeks and pouted. Somehow, I keep planning poorly. I smacked myself in the head. Oh well, too late to turn back now. I wonder what else is around in this neighborhood. While I was at it, I selected another one of Hitomi�s tapes and put it in my walkman. After I put on my headphones, I pressed play.

-Hitomi�s Tape-

I don�t know why I�m so messed up. My therapist just terminated my sessions when I needed him the most. It�s probably for the best. He did stare at my legs while we talked. Plus, I think he�s sleeping with my mother. I tried to confront her about it, but she said it was all in my head. I�m not stupid. I�ve seen the way they look at each other. What kind of a therapist calls a client�s mother by their first name? I bet she dumped him and that�s why he chose to terminate my therapy sessions.

-She sighs-

What hurts the most is that I still love him. I tried not to, I mean, I already have a boyfriend, sort of� That�s not the point. I can�t have feelings for Fujioka-sensei. He�s too old for me and he�s not attractive. But� I can�t stop loving him. That�s the part that just sucks. The fact that he was probably seeing my mother is what makes it even worse. I should�ve known he was a predator. He tore what was left between my mother and me.

-Kichiro-

I literally stopped in my tracks. Did I just hear that right? Was Hitomi�s mom really having an affair with her daughter�s therapist? When did all of this happen? Was any of it true? I could never tell which ones of these entries were true or which ones were exaggerated. Nah, her tone sounded really serious in this one. I doubt she would make something up when it came to her mother or me. Come to think of it, Hitomi did mention a Fujioka-sensei in her journal. I can�t remember exactly where I saw it. Now, I have to go back and find it. However, I need to sit down first. I wonder if there is a park nearby. Maybe I could just find a bus stop to read. I tried to work out how to go about this as I walked further down the street. None of this made sense anymore.