Chapter Thirty-One: Reasons to Leave and One to Stay:

I wanted to go home. Why didn’t I say that? That’s what I’ve been trying to do. Not exactly because of my children’s father, but because… because…

I sat in front of my mirror, brushing my hair. What was happening with me? I used to know what I was doing. I looked up when I heard a knock on my door.

“Yes?” I asked. The door creaked open. A tiny head poked her way in. She let out a little whimper.

“Ava? What’s wrong, sweetie? Can’t sleep?” I asked. Ava shook her head. I turned and held out my arms. My daughter slowly wandered over to me. I hugged her the best that I could.

“You okay?” I asked.

“No,” my little angel whimpered.

“Did you have a nightmare?” I asked. She shook her head. I ran my fingers through her hair. She buried her little face against my stomach.

“We’ll get to go home soon,” I whispered. Ava shook her head against my stomach. I raised my eyebrow.

“No?” I asked. She shook her head again. I became confused.

“Why?” I asked. Ava looked up at me with big eyes.

“What about Paul?” she asked.

“What about him?”

“Isn’t he coming with us?”

I gave her a sad little smile as I knelt down to her. “No, baby. He can’t come with us.”

Ava pouted at me. “But why?”

“He might get everyone sick. I’m sorry, baby. He just can’t.” I didn’t sound so convincing myself. Her little lip poking out made it worse.

“Come on, love,” I whispered. “That’s just how it is.” Tears started forming in her eyes. I pulled her into a hug the best that I could. What was I doing? Why did it hurt so much? I cursed myself under my breath. I smoothed down her hair. In truth, part of me didn’t want to go back. What was there for me anymore? My child’s father didn’t really love me. He wouldn’t have left us in the first place. He would be trying to look for us. Maybe he was, and I didn’t know it. Who was I kidding? That tosser probably forgot about us and was shacked up with some new skank. I gritted my teeth.

But we still couldn’t stay here.

Was I sure about that?

I shut my eyes and shook my head. Stop thinking about that. You don’t belong here. You have to get home now. Do I?

Paul’s face flashed in my mind for only a second.

I let go of my daughter in a daze. I sat down in front of the mirror and went back to brushing my hair. Ava rested her head on the side of my belly and said nothing. It felt like I had slipped into autopilot.

When did this get so difficult?