Chapter Seven: This is Not Normal:

I can’t pretend anymore. It was like I was being forced to wake up and look around. I don’t how or when it happened. But when it did, I couldn’t go back to pretending anymore.

I remember that I was looking at grass cuttings of all things. Grass cuttings. I was lying in the grass one Sunday morning. I started feeling sick lately. I was tired all the time. Certain smells gave me a headache. I wanted blueberry pancakes for five days now. I couldn’t explain why. This morning, I threw up everything I ate. My family let me sleep in. However, I couldn’t stay in my bed for long. No sooner had I gotten out of bed, I thought I was going to be sick. I ran to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. I hugged the bowl as I thought I was going to pass out. My head was spinning. What the hell was wrong with me?

I probably shouldn’t have gotten out of bed. It took me about five minutes for the nausea to subside long enough for me to stand up. I closed my eyes as my head started to spin. When I opened my eyes, I started to feel better. What was that?

The house felt stuffy. I decided to go outside for a little bit. It looked like a nice day that morning. I figured that I could just stay outside for a bit and then go back to bed. It didn’t sound like a bad plan.

The sun nearly blinded me when I opened the front door. I had to shield my eyes. I stood in front of the doorway for a few seconds. Part of me started doubting doing this. Maybe it was a better idea to go back to bed. The nausea in my stomach was telling me to do that. I shook my head.

No. I was here. I wasn’t going to back down now. I took in a deep breath and took slow steps out the door. The warm air hit my skin. I closed my eyes and took it in. The neighborhood felt better than it did last night. I walked down to the grass. I curled my toes in the cool wetness. Dad must have cut the grass yesterday. Yeah, he did cut the grass. I remembered watching him from the kitchen window. I saw him pass by with that old push mower a couple of times. Remembering that he cut the grass made this time outside all the better. I took in a deep breath and held my arms above her head. I found myself going back to when I was just a kid during the summer time. I remembered running around on the lawn, chasing after my friends as we played around during the lazy days of our youth. We would be bubbling bubbles and try to catch them. This yard had seen our games last until sundown. Mama would yell from the front door to not get our clothes messed up, but we never listened. We were just little kids enjoying summer. There were times when I found that I wanted to go back to those lazy days of my youth, if not just for a day. Remembering all of that brought a smile to my face.

For that short moment, I thought I was in a sea of bliss.

I closed my eyes and took it all in. Someone was mowing their grass in the distance. The birds were singing in the trees. Sundays in my neighborhood were virtually empty back then. Most of everyone were in church. There were only two people who never went. No one ever talked to them. In fact, they were kind of shunned. No one wanted to associate with them. No one talked to them. No one would even look at them. Honestly, I always wondered why that was. Suddenly, another wave of nausea hit me. I stumbled backward.

“Whoa!” I said. Why did I think it was a good idea to come out here? I should’ve stayed in bed. I tried to balance myself as I kept my eyes closed. It felt like the world was spinning around me. The next time I knew, I was falling to the ground.

When I came to, I found myself lying in the grass. I had no idea how long I had been out. It took a moment to remember what happened to me. That’s right. I got dizzy and passed out in the grass. I lifted my head and looked around. There were still no people around. I guessed that they hadn’t gotten back from church yet. How long had I been unconscious for? My eyes darted over to the driveway. At least I didn’t fall on the pavement.

I reached up and ran my fingers through my hair. I pulled out a piece of grass. For some reason, I held it between my thumb and index finger and stared at it. This was just a piece of grass. Something so insignificant. Anyone else would’ve thrown it away. But I found myself staring at it. My mind drifted off elsewhere.

First, I thought about that beautiful boy. I forgot what his name was. I could barely remember his face. However, I couldn’t forget his touch. That night…

I pressed my lips together.

That night, he showed what Heaven was like. Not the kind that I had been taught for years. No, this Heaven…

I still couldn’t put it into words. I wanted to experience that feeling again. His fingers ghosting along my skin. His lips pressed against mine. His tongue probing the inside of my mouth. My nails digging into his back. His mouth on one of my breasts. I couldn’t forget him between my legs if I wanted to.

I closed my eyes and replayed our night together. I didn’t want it to end. I hadn’t been able to find him again. I wouldn’t know where to look. I heard that he might have left town. To tell you the truth, I was still lost in the lingering memory. If I wanted to see him again, I wanted to give myself over to him again.

It was then that I noticed something else.

Nothing around me felt real anymore. It felt like everyone was just playing a role. After I lost my virginity, I felt like I was just walking around on a stage. We were all pretending to be nice to each other. Their smiles were filled with venom. I could hear the hate in their voices. The more I saw, the more I wanted to run away. I couldn’t help but get the feeling that I was being watched. Did they know what I did?

I could see them watching me. Their eyes were filled with judgment. There was no way they could’ve known what I had done. I tried to remember if anyone had seen us. I didn’t think so. My mind wouldn’t let me picture anything other than that beautiful boy’s body entangled with mine in the grass near the forest. He wouldn’t even let me know his name. A wave of fear mixed with nausea washed over me.

What have I done?

I looked up when I heard the car pull up. My family was back. I watched as the old station wagon pulled to a stop on the pavement. Papa, Mama, and Grandma all got out.

“Rose? What are you doing out here? We thought you were in bed resting,” Papa said when he spotted me in the grass. I could hear a hint of coldness in his voice. I could’ve sworn that I saw a hint of hate in his eyes.

“Oh. I just thought I would get some fresh air and I fainted,” I said. I pushed myself to my feet. “I’m sorry.” The way my family stared at me made me uneasy. Did they hear something while they were at church?

“Is something wrong? Did something happen?” I asked as I looked at all of them.

“No, Baby,” Mama said. “Why would you think that?” Her upbeat tone sounded so forced. Like I had misbehaved in church and she was trying to save face in public. By then, I knew that I would be in trouble when we got home. I shook my head.

“No reason,” I lied. I turned and walked into the house. I could feel their eyes on my back. At the time, there wasn’t a name for what the feeling in the air was. Looking back now, I could call it foreboding. Foreboding of what, I could not say. My sickness wouldn’t let me focus on that as I ran to the bathroom to throw up again.

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That evening, I woke up to knocking on my bedroom door. I tried to pretend to be asleep when I heard it open.

“I know you are awake, girl,” Mama growled in a low voice.