Chapter Eight: Courtship:

You are thirteen and you will start to look at people in an attractive way. You will want to spend more time with them. In other words, you will want to date them. But first, you have to get their attention.

This is an art in an itself.

First, you have to talk to them. This should be easy, right? But, you somehow manage to fuck it up. How? You make dumb mistakes like you always do. You’re trying too hard. Your lame pick-up lines make people want to roll their eyes. You just look desperate.

Just stop.

Keep things simple. Walk up to your object of affection and just say hi. Don’t make a huge production about it. You do not have to sing and dance about. A simple hello will get their attention. If they don’t want to talk, don’t push it. If you keep trying to talk to them, you will only come off as a creep with them mentally picturing spraying you with mace. Just turn around and walk away. However, if they do wish to talk to you, proceed to step two.

Next, introduce yourself. Again, nothing flashy. You are trying to draw in your object of affection, not put them off. It is not hard to do. Introduce yourself. Say, “Hello, my name is… [your name].” See? That’s all there is to it. Oh and ask your object of affection your name. Smooth sailing. Smooth sailing. What’s next?

Ask about asking how they are doing. Again, another easy question. I cannot stress enough to not be too flashy. Listen to the damned KISS method. Keep it simple, stupid. Asking how someone is doing will make you look like a half decent human being. You do not have to be super invested in their well-being. Just ask how your object of affection is doing and answer back like so. See? You have nice flow of conversation going. What’s that you say? You want to keep the back and forth going? Well, okay. We can do that.

Now, pay them a compliment. Don’t come off as Hannibal Lector here. You are doing so well, don’t screw things up. Give them a small compliment. This should lead into small chit chat. Again, keep everything as simple as possible. I may sound like I am beating you over the head, but it cannot be stressed enough. Trust me, going as simple as possible will make life so much easier. (Duh!) Don’t bring up morbid or off-putting topic. (Even if you are into that stuff, you just met this person. I am no saying to lie. I am just saying hold off until they get to know you better.)

This will all lead up into inviting them to hang out with you. Once again, don’t make big show about it. Just ask them like you have known this person all of your life. Ask them if they want to hang out with you in your location of choice. If they say yes, great. We can go onto the next chapter. If they say no, back off. You do not want to come off as the stalker creep that no one likes. Respect their decision and keep everything need and simple.

There you have it. Just learned how to get your foot in the door of a potential new relationship. If your object of affection turns you down, just walk away and leave them alone. If they show interest too, follow me to the next chapter.