Chapter Twenty: Perfect Monster:
The need for more is the worst part of it. Shame consumed Hisoka because of it. He leaned his head against Jessie's chest, feeling her stroke his messy hair.
"I won't leave you," the demon whispered. The shinigami knew that she was lying. But he was used to this by now. They all lied and Hisoka just swallowed the pain. She and he watched Wife to be Sacrificed tonight. Last night, it was Frog Song. The images on the screen meant nothing to him. He could be surrounded by absolute silence and not stir. Jessie kissed his ear, but he pushed her off.
"Stop," he murmured. Jessie drew back.
"Fine," she mumbled. Her attention turned back to the screen. Hisoka glanced over at her. White really didn't suit Jessie. Still, he couldn't leave. She had him hooked and for some reason, he couldn't get away. Hisoka had come to rely on her for everything-- drugs, booze, sex, food, shelter, money, and clothing. Hisoka closed his eyes. When did I turn into this? This isn't me at all! If only his old self could see him now.
His dependence wasn't the sole problem. The source that caused this was like a repeated kick to his groin. Hisoka shook his head. Me, relying on a demon? Pathetic! Hisoka almost laughed. The others would pity him for sure. With his sense of pride, that was not a good thing.
"Pride?" Kohaku asked, days before they left. "What is that to you now, huh?" Hisoka grimaced as he couldn't really argue with the kitsune. Anger for his own weakness began to bubble in his gut again. Only tonight, it felt rather weak.
I'm too tired to feel anything. His eyes trailed back to Jessie. Did she even care that he was suffering? She was too lost in her hedonistic world to even notice. They never even stop for a chance to rest. When was the last time I actually slept? He and Jessie never really slept; they would just black out until morning. He couldn't remember the last time he had a decent meal, either. Coke and ecstasy took the place of food, and his stomach stopped grumbling a long time ago.
The movie was almost over. Hisoka glanced at the clock. Three in the morning already? It didn't feel like it. His eyes turned back to Jessie. She had already gone to sleep. Hisoka himself could not sleep. His thoughts kept going back to Tsuzuki. Knowing him, he and the others were probably looking for him. Hisoka trembled at the thought. I don't want them to see me like this! He predicted what Kohaku would say to that.
"Why? You enjoyed ruining your life so much. Why be so ashamed now?" Thinking about that made him want to vomit. Again, he found himself in need of Jessie's "love". He hung his head, defeated. It's He was going to start up the cycle once again.