Chapter Fifteen: Poisoned Love:

Hisoka lay in bed. He knew what he had done. A sick smile came onto his face. I am fucked up. He recounted the past couple of weeks. Most of it was a blur, but not all of it. It seemed to be an endless cycle: get up, fight, drink, self-loathing, drugs, fight, sex, drugs, fight, and pass out. It had become a habit � a habit that was to be ashamed of. Yet, he couldn't stop, he needed to dull the pain that Tsuzuki drove into his heart.

Hisoka closed his eyes. He betrayed me. Look how far he pushed me. It meant nothing, none of it reached him anymore. Kohaku's caresses, the drugs going up his nose, the liquor, Jessie's kisses, each slap, each scratch, and the shouting-- it all became meaningless to him. He didn't care what happened to him now. I just want it to stop.

Jessie slept beside him in the bed. She smirked as she dreamt, and he gave her an empty smile. She devil! Jessie led him down this path and now it was too late to turn back. Everything about her disgusted him. The marking on her neck was only the top of the list. Yet, Hisoka couldn't stay away. He may hate her, but she owned him like a little bitch. It pissed him off, but what could he do?

Hisoka had been lucky enough to hide his pain and self-destructive behaviors from his co-workers. Recently, he noticed something strange about himself. I can't� I can't feel anymore. People's emotions stopped flowing through him. He couldn't remember when that happened. He noticed it one day when he and Tsuzuki were doing paperwork in the office. Hisoka expected to feel a flow of happy afterglow coming from his partner. To his surprise, he felt nothing. No happiness, no developing lust, nothing. Hisoka didn't know whether to be relieved or worried. He couldn't be sure if it was the drugs or Jessie's spell that caused it. Either way, it actually felt� pretty good.

Ah, so this is what normal people feel like. The happiness of that didn't last long. Hisoka returned to feeling miserable and using drug in a short time. Kohaku wasn't helping either.

"You might as well give up. He will never love you."

Shut up, it's not true!

"But, it is!"

Hisoka couldn't argue there. The kitsune spoke the truth. Tsuzuki would never love him that way. No, he loved her and Hisoka just couldn't accept it. Only one thought floated through his mind. I need more coke� No, not this again. He tried to fight it, but that was not so easy anymore. The shinigami had become dependent on drugs, liquor, and Jessie. All three embarrassed him. He wanted to stop, but didn't know how. This was bad because if he couldn't stop, he'd end up repeating the cycle.

The worst part about this? Hisoka had come to love this cycle. He enjoyed the thrill of doing something taboo, enjoyed the taste of the gritty life. He even, though normally he would rather die than admit it, had come to fall for Jessie in a twisted, sick way. He wanted to strangle her, but also kiss her. He wanted to break her bones, but hold her. He wanted to kill her, but fuck her. All tenderly, of course. Hisoka chuckled to himself.

Boy, I really am fucked up. He counted down to reliving his cycle with both dread and anticipation.